Like Hell I'm On A Talk Show!
by MugiChanx
Summary: Yuri finds a new way of breaking school rules and regulations - broadcasting an unsupervised talk show! Things could get pretty ugly! See what completely unexpected and retarded things will happen! First Guest: Otonashi.


_**A/N: I'm back again, and this time I've come to seek revenge! On what you say? Well. WELL. WELL… I have no idea. But I WILL, unless you suckers aren't kind enough to review a fanfic written by a little crippled girl who loves her fans very, VERY much… PLEASE! Review from the bottom of your hearts!**_

_**PS. I'm not really crippled.**_

_**PPS. I'm not really seeking revenge on anything.**_

_**PPPS. I'm not really a girl.**_

_**PPPPS. Haha, fooled you! I am.**_

_**PPPPPS. LIV, NAOI IS MY ADOPTED BROTHER! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!**_

_**PPPPPPS. Liv is my friend, not my pet rattlesnake as I knew you were thinking.**_

_**PPPPPPPS. I knew you were thinking that because I can read minds. O.0**_

_**PPPPPPPPS. I'm gonna stop this now. I know you're getting sick of it.**_

_**PPPPPPPPPS. And I know that because I CAN READ MINDS! HAHA! HA! HA!**_

_*Creepy jingle about baby kittens and fluffy bunnies, remixed by TK. Has the chorus of the Spongebob Squarepants Opening theme, as well as countless Disney Channel songs and creepy Ceebeebies stuff. Ends with a clash of Evanescence and Lady Gaga.*_

Yuri: Hello! I am Yuri but you can call me Yurippe! Welcome to Angel Beats-The-Crap-Out-Of-Hinata Talk Show!

Hinata: What? I'm only the cameraman! The viewers don't even know who I am!

Yuri: You just admitted you're a loser, you know.

Hinata: Change it back to what we originally wanted to call it, okay?

Yuri: Grrrr. You're no fun! Fine! Welcome to the Like-Hell-I'm-On-A-Talk-Show Show!

Hinata: Thank you.

Yuri: Okay, lets welcome our first guest! Well, our only guest. Please welcome… Otonashi! TK, hit it!

TK: Right On!

_*crazy rap music (a remix of slow-mo Linkin Park and Demi Lovato songs) is played and the audience have to shield their ears for fear of death by disney heavy metal music*_

Yuri (_Clutching her ears protectively)_ TK! DESTROY THAT CRAP!

TK: Lets serve 'em up for dinner. _(Stops rap music)_

Yuri: Phew. As you may not have seen for rolling on the floor in agony or being air-lifted into an ambulance, our guest is here! Say hello, Otonashi!

Otonashi: Hey there! I'm Oto-

Yuri: (_In genuine wonder)_ So, tell me. What is your name?

Otonashi: Um, like I was saying, it's Otonashi and I'm eigh-

Yuri: And how old are you, Otonashi?

Otonashi: Will you please stop interrupting?

Yuri: _(In a dangerous tone)_ Excuse me. Do you know who I am? I am Yuri! But you can call me Yurippe! And welcome to- wait, I've done that bit. Dammit, you've made me confused! You've made me look stoopid! You do that again, and you'll be taking a nice long walk with my friend Noda right here. You understand?

Otonashi: _(metaphorically crapping his pants) _Oh god, why does that guy have a scythe?

Yuri: That's Noda, the chief security guard. Now, you don't want to be on the wrong side of him? Am I right? Or wrong? Haha, get it? Geddit? Wrong? Ha!

Otonashi: …No.

Yuri: Okay! Now its time for the really juicy stuff! It's what **all **the fan girls were craving! _(Deadly serious)_ Otonashi, what… is your favourite colour?

Otonashi: I thought you were supposed to ask how I died and stuff! What are you doing?

Noda: _(Menacingly)_ Just answer the question!

Otonashi: Um… blue?

Yuri: _(intrigued)_ What's your least favourite food?

Otonashi: Erm, tofu?

Yuri: Up or down?

Otonashi: Down.

Yuri: Cat or dog?

Otonashi: Dog.

Yuri: Cantaloupe or sea lion?

Otonashi: Sea- what? What the hell?

Yuri: _(Sudden change of topic)_ Otonashi, this may come as a bit of a shock, but… we've got your mother listening in on this conversation behind set! _(Audience begins to OOOOH and AHHH and the occasional "I didn't see that coming!") _Lets bring her out folks!

_Noda goes backstage and returns moments later with another figure. It is a tall, slender girl, handcuffed and wearing an orange jumpsuit. Behind her, she is balancing a broom on the tip of her finger. Noda sits her down and she glares at the camera before staring off in concentration._

Otonashi: _(In disbelief)_ I don't believe it!

Yuri: So, Otonashi, please tell us, in your own time of course. What is it like when your single parent is in jail for shoplifting in a 99 cents store? How has this affected your life?

Otonashi: There's no biological way Shiina can be my mom, and there are no shops around here to rob! What the hell are you talking about? My mom never went to jail!

Yuri: _(Excited)_ Is it true that, thanks to your mothers actions, you now steal gummy crocodiles off the pick and mix stand! That you kick kittens into the road! That you steal from your moms purse!

Otonashi: No! I would never do that! More likely, you would! And besides, she's not even my mom!

Yuri: _(Mournfully) _You're an angsty teenager in denial, Otonashi.

Otonashi: Yuri! You know that's not true! You are telling a load of lies and speaking a load of crap and calling it entertainment!

Yuri: Otonashi, stay in character please. _(_Whispering_) _You're making a scene.

Otonashi: No! You're the one asking me stupid questions and telling me my mom's doing time! None of it's true!

Yuri: _(Warningly) _Otonashi…!

Otonashi: _(Eyes squinting, chest puffed out, screaming at the top of his lungs) _Yuri got expelled from school for cheating on her math test!

Yuri: _(In shock)_ GASP! Otonashi! I told you that in confidence!

Otonashi: She one ate a handful of worms and puked on her sisters birthday cake!

Yuri: _(Horrified)_ Otonashi, stop, STOP!

Otonashi: You suck your thumb! You look when you blow your nose! You bite your toenails-!

Yuri: Noda? NODA! _(Panicking, turning to face the camera)_ HINATA, WHERE'S NODA?

Hinata: _(Calmly)_ He said something about a puppy in peril and rushed right over there!

Yuri: _(Gazing around, desperately)_ Shiina? Shiina!

Hinata: _(Tranquilly) _Is long gone. As soon as a puppy was mentioned, she was off. I think I blinked. I never saw her leave…

Otonashi: _(now in hysterics) _Your burbs really smell! You scratch your butt when you think no-one's looking! You take pervy pictures of Oyama! You drink hot sauce for breakfast!

_Oyama bursts through the door in nothing but a towel and a mountain of shampooey foam atop his head._

Oyama: _(On the verge of tears)_ Yurippe, is all you said t-true…? I thought that… you were different…!

Yuri: _(Bewildered)_ It's only hot sauce, it tastes really good, you should try it-

Oyama _(Suddenly in yandere mode) _THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE HOT SAUCE!

_Oyama lunges at Yuri and attempts to remove her nose by force. TK continues rapping (It's a wonderful mix of Coldplay and Selena Gomez) but nobody seems to notice. Otonashi is now blue in the face and throws a coffee table into the audience, tears streaming down his face. He screams as Hinata tackles him and pins him to the ground. A small fire appears out of nowhere. Yuri wails in agony as her favourite ribbons are thrown into the flames. Oyama shouts something about a crappy, slutty, slaggy, whorey version of Haruhi Suzumiya with stinky breath before the camera is stepped on and the airing is over._

**AN HOUR LATER**

Noda: Oh man, you guys wrecked havoc without me? You people suck!

Shiina: How shallow-minded.


End file.
